Hi guys, I’m new here. Did some reading lately, and tonight had a weird dream which made me rethink my current state once again. So I’d thought sharing with someone could help.
I’m a software engineer who got his first internship in 2012, while still undergraduate student of 3rd of 4 years stydu. Since then, I haven’t had a break longer than a month, perhaps two months once between jobs. In my current company I worked for a couple of months before by the play of chance I got promoted to TL of three members (since then it’s been varying, currently 5). Since then, almost two years now, I’ve become more responsible, learned a lot about people and managing stuff. Got really into it. On the other hand, I’m coding less due to my other obligations. I should perhaps mention I was assessed with high iq level, as sometimes I believe that is the main reason things get boring to me so quickly… So, a few months ago I noticed this thing. It’s been happening since then. Every day I wake up, go to my job -ZAP- time lapse -ZAP- I’m going home from work. I find myself present on meetings just getting a pinch of reality from time to time when I get asked something. Then I could clearly see, as if I’m I aware bystander: my mouth open, brain kicks in with some words, and I respond - usually correctly, but completely mechanical. Like I am just a machine which applies function to my inner memory combined with input question, and as a highly trained neural network, I just give output. I’m afraid I’ll soon say something stupid or crack. Even when I’m coding, I notice being in the zone just dealing with stuff, but, once I get to the coffee maker, I have no idea what I was working on nor what was I thinking. And that glimps of reality are short, as I know I gotta get back to work. I’m pseudo-multitasking a lot, it’s burning me.
I do recreational drugs sometimes to enjoy parties or nature or to relax, but really rarely. I’ve started going to gym recently, it feels good, but it takes a lot of free time. I’m just trying to get my feet back to the ground, and regain my full day consciousness, as this tripping is getting out of control.
Anyone with similar experiences or some advices? Thanks.
EDIT: I think I also have severe digital amnesia and my attention span is dropping constantly both on job and IRL.
EDIT: Anyone has an experience / thinks meditation could help?
This sounds unusual, and like something quite other than depression, but also sounds familiar. There’s probably a diagnosis it fits.
As for meditation, it’s worth doing regardless.
I went through a similar phase recently at the start of Spring of last year.
Surprisingly I share a similar personality (I’m an ENTP). I become very bored easily, and as a result fail to commit finishing any project, tv show, etc. Thus, I spend a lot of spare time researching into a series of rabbit holes (IQs, personality testing, etc) to find a practical explanation to my serious lack of commitment and boredom.
However, aside from that, I was experiencing a similar thing you were going through as well. I was at the start of a new internship at my dream company, and came off of a previous internship with significant experience. Few weeks into the position, I became overwhelmed with life and work responsibilities that eventually one morning on the bus, I experienced an ‘out-of-body’ experience. To describe this experience, it almost felt as if I didn’t have any control of myself. I remember staring at my hand, and it felt like I was looking at a stranger’s hand – if that makes any proper sense. Overtime, my perception of reality felt extremely distorted. I would actually play EDM music, and I felt almost as if I was in a trance or a euphoric high, and nothing around me existed. However, I also began losing perception of time that all I could recall was sitting on the bus in the morning, go through the entire motions at work, and find myself in bed at night. After my actual awareness of a serious issue, I tried did literally everything I could to snap out of this unconscious state: frequent washing of my face, loud music, working out, etc. What I was experiencing was a combination of depression, and depersonalization (heres a video describing that experience: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vpX051fZrps), not sure if you’re going through the same thing, but rest assure you are not alone. I’m extremely glad to finally be out of that mental state, and found glimpses of my normal self months, months later. But hell idk what I would do if it that happened again.
What helped me was eventually opening up to close friends about what was happening – something I never do or share with anyone, even my SO. No one really understood, and looked at me as if I was insane. But they all helped me to escape into newer environments.