Feeling like losing my time on a company


#1

Hi … I am 26 .
I graduated as a computer engineer on september 2015 and I worked 6 months for the university doing PHP in 2014 . I felt really good doing php but the salaries seemed to be low for php devs (by that time I thought the mony was important).
In the university I really liked algorithms and AI topics , but I also liked Software engineering . I took the software engineering area because I wanted to develop my own startup at the end of the university . Most of the career was focused on electronics and software engineering so by the time I took AI I was with a bad level on algorithms.
I started to look for a job at the end of 2015 and landed on a company on march of 2016 as a part of a development program on IT which was designed to work in multiple areas like dev , business analyst , architect and scrum each 6 months .
The first 6 months I developed on Android (I hate native movile development) in fact I was part of a team which won an online hackathon for the company.
Then I worked 2 weeks as BA and suddenly the company sent me to a training of 2 months to another country with everything paid on a software engineering academy .
Once I returned I took 3 months on a java project as an agile coach to apply all the learnings of the training. But none of the things I proposed could success due to the lack of maturity of our software projects .
Now Im on architecture in charge on setting standards of technologies which I´m not a master , not even a junior dev .
Everyday I have the idea of creating new startups … many people just say to me “great idea !” and that idea dies in my head.
I would like to be capable of coding every idea that I want but I feel that the people have put so much trust in my that I can´t quit the company . My future in the company is clear : 4 more months in architecture + 6 months as scrum and then I don´t know , I think the idea is that I finish working as a Scrum master which I really don`t like . But even if the company gives me a dev job I will end coding old things like java , but I would like to try LAMP stack .

On weekends I try to code but at the end I surrender to the idea that Im in a company in which I need to stay at least 10 months more . 10 months spending my time on things I really don´t like . And also my economic situation is quite hard .

This weekend I could not even code 1 line … and I got to the conclusion that I´m blocked due to the fear of knowing nothing that could allow me to quit the job and help my family with the economic situation and accomplish my idea of startup which is by now only on postits of a kanban in my room.

I have a problem of procrastination and for me is hard to take a decision.


#2

Doing stuff outside of work comes up a lot but I suspect for a lot of people that’s just not feasible or enjoyable. Go home and do more work?! Sometimes it’s just best to look after yourself instead - go home and just recharge doing things you enjoy. I personally can’t do any coding outside of work for fun especially as I want to spend my down time with my family. I’m not some medium.com superblogger who lounges around pools in the far east blogging about the virtues of remote working… And it’s fine, I accept that.

It sounds like your company is mixing it up for you and exposing you to a lot of different things - that’s probably a good opportunity to find out what you like and don’t like. In a few years, you’ll have some experience under your belt and hopefully that opens up some doors for you so you can pick and choose more interesting work with better pay.


#3

Update , march 2019

Some things happened as I predicted on the original post .
I finished my 4 months on architecture doing standards of tech in which I wasn´t an expert and nobody used .

After that I spent 8 months as a project manager on an infrastructure upgrade project , it was an interesting experience from dev to management .

My grandmother passed away on may 2017 .

My uncle is diagnosed with terminal kidney failure on october 2018 . My exgf leaves .

I was diagnosed with depression since october of 2018 , took medication with sertraline and now fluvoxamine + therapy . I started to code again to create an app to follow the medical signs of my uncle.

My uncle passed away on january 2019 due to kidney failure .

Now I formally I´m an architect in charge of more standards and other things which are pretty operational and boring which can be made by a junior dev .

My economy situation has improved , i saved most of my money and now I feel I´m ready to quit an 8-10 hour job . I really need to think on something interesting to create my startup , gain good habits and code .

Most of the time I left everything I started to think about or code . Now I know these was because of depression .

Some things like reading about stoicism really helps when you are depressed . Understanding that everything is temporal and everything has an cause and effect from a rational point of view instead of magnifying everything as a tragedy .

At the end I know there will be better times .


#4

Really sorry to hear about the passing of your relatives. I also lost someone close last year and it can really make outlook on life different.

Sounds great that you’ve been able to save up. I’ve done this in the past and I’d like to give some advice on this: it’s essential to find some form of routine to get things done (as you already know), but also to get out and meet people. I spent a lot of time alone and it affected my motivation negatively after a while. I did meet people/relatives maybe 3-4 times a week for a few hours at a time but that wasn’t enough for me.

Also, I’d suggest to set a “date of no return”, i.e. if income from startup is not > X at a given date, it’s time to look for a job no matter what. I got into the situation that I had to look for a job or I’d go broke and it’s not a good situation to be in. But I think the criteria above can also be a great motivator. If I’d been able to find more of a social support network I think I’d like to try again.