Perhaps we shouldn’t be born with ‘hope’.
I’m still an adolescent and I’m already crushed by mental health issues.
I remember 4 years ago, when I was still a kid. It was the first time I’ve explored the world of tech. I was introduced to and given a chance to tinker with Arduino. I remember feeling so much joy in me learning something so unique. Everyday I would try to figure out cool projects I wanted to build.
Soon, everything is bleak. I feel destroyed from head to toe. Having extremely strict parents and living in an Asian country while going to an Asian school really starts to amplify my depression and anxiety. Slowly I lost motivation to Tech and I felt hopeless.
After 3 years with Arduino I decided to try out Python. And it was once again exciting as well.
Just a few hours ago, I feel motivated to try out a coding competition on hacker earth website. A competition where two developer would code an algorithm to solve a problem.
About 20 minutes later the competition ended and neither me or my opponent made a single progress.
I don’t know why but I have high hopes for myself. I hope that I would work at any Tech Lord that I could ever dreamt about. I push myself really hard and constantly surf the internet to learn about deep learning and A.I.
And I failed this simple competition.
I don’t know how but when I was ready to hit the hay I started breaking down and crying. Not just because I couldn’t implement a simple algorithm but I started feeling nostalgic.I keep thinking about my past. I have tried hardware competition as well from 2014 to 2016. And out of the 4 competitions I’ve joined, I merely got 1 bronze award.
No, I’m not feeling suicidal because I couldn’t code an algorithm. It’s because I constantly felt that I’m worthless but today,this very night, the depressed thought suddenly got worst.
By building projects and doing development alone for so long, I don’t even know how to communicate my problems to others.
Reading another post on this forum, I suddenly realize that I might be experiencing an additional mental health issue. Imposter syndrome. I used to have a youtube channel dedicated to some of my creations while I was still playing Arduino in an effort to make some money to buy some hardware.
I did in fact, deleted quite a lot of my past videos because I didn’t think it was good enough.
Any achievement I got, I feel like I didn’t deserve it.
I don’t expect any of you to understand these. I feel like I’m doing a really bad job at explaining myself. I’m really sorry, I spent too much of my time alone and I literally, Literally, never mouth a word about mental health illness. I’m way too scared of getting shamed. The internet is my only safe-space.
Hope is something I’ve completely exhausted. Now because of it, I’m really afraid of trying out challenges. I’m afraid that I may not have the guts to interview for a job.I may not even be able to get a chance to interview thanks to my zero confidence.
I don’t feel like striving hard. My primary and secondary school years have taught me that. I’m most likely a fish being forced to climb a tree. Working so hard in school but never fulfilled my parents requirement.I guess that is something that I will carry for the rest of my life.
Unless when one day, when I finally went past my threshold of tolerance. I might not choose to live anymore.
After typing out so much,I feel just slightly better. enough to confirm that that day isn’t today. But I’m not sure about my future… Please help me with my depression, anxiety, type 1 bipolar,mild adhd and imposter syndrome.