At my first agency job, it took me years to stop feeling the way you do. I kept feeling like, man, this shouldn’t take me THIS long to do. I bet one of these other devs could do this task much faster. And then I’d get frustrated at myself and my slow progress, get stressed, and it probably didn’t help me get things done efficiently. I also have a lot of pride so I feel like if there’s a task that I feel like I should be able to accomplish because it’s what’s expected of me and as a dev of my level, I should be able to do it, I won’t ask for help until I’m at the end of my rope.
Learned this the hard way. There’s always someone that knows more than you and someone that knows less. I got as far as I have by asking other devs. Sometimes one of two things happen:
- This task is really something I can’t accomplish and therefore need some assistance or direction from another dev
- Or this is a task I CAN accomplish, but I’m not in the mental/physical state to accomplish it
It’s still something I’m learning but I’m getting to know myself better when I’m at a task for too long and getting nothing accomplished, and I’m positive it’s something I should be able to figure out, I’ll go for a walking break (leave the computer), or move to a simpler task, or sometimes just get back to it the next day if it’s not urgent. I’ve wasted countless hours on tasks before only to come back to it later and solve it in a few minutes. Then I have to face palm myself and remind myself that when I’m at this point, come back to it.
I think a large part of what you’re feeling about your pace and then what “others” think about you when you’re working from home is not necessarily you, but the unhealthy work culture and this strange myth that’s been put on people that we need to work like machines. And the more hours you are present in an office, the more valuable you are as an employee. This is flawed and works against those especially with mental illness. I say this from experience as someone who is depressed and in a job that believes such a thing. Unfortunately not all companies are receptive to this reality.
I think not all work environments fit everyone. Sometimes we do need a work from home day or even take a mental health day off. Some people do great in fast pace work your *&^ off environments and others fail. Some people like having more privacy to work - I think MOST people hate the open office layout and can’t focus. I work in one too and pretty much blast music in my ears all day to tune out all the distractions.
I’d recommend looking up Liz Ryan who runs Human Work Place. She really opened up my eyes to unhealthy work environments and realizing what things were out of my control and what things I could potentially fix. I ended up leaving one job that was just too unorganized and had that “sink or swim” mentality and I’d survived it for years. Leaving it was one of the single most terrifying things I’d ever experienced because you really don’t know if where you’re going is better or not. But in all honesty, I’m so glad I did it. I doubted myself and my skillset too and it wasn’t until I left and joined another agency that I could see what I was made of, and feel more confident. It’s scary, no doubt, but then you’ll never know if there’s better if you don’t try. We end up feeling “secure” at our jobs or “safe” but no job is safe. So either I could have waited to fall apart at my old agency, or take a risk. And I did, and it was worth it.
I have some social anxieties too. At some point, I realized I was caring way too much about people that weren’t personally involved in my life. I don’t live with them, they’re not coming to my birthday, they’re not visiting me etc. in other words, stop stressing over people that once you change jobs, you may never hear from again. Get along with them, sure. Small talk here and there, sure, but I found forcing it just drove me crazy. I eventually grew close to only 1 person at my old agency out of the 50+ people. I’d been there for years. I left and not one of them keeps contact with me so imagine if I’d sat there thinking we were jolly good friends the whole time? Disappointment. Kind of sucks, but hey, that’s work culture. You don’t have to be best friends with everyone, so long as you get along in the office it’s fine. And I still keep in touch with that one friend. One good friend is priceless rather than a bunch of acquaintances.
Anyway I wrote a story haha. What I mean is learn from others. You’ll always be learning for the rest of your life in this field. You have to in order to improve yourself. If your co-workers don’t seem to be the helpful type and everyone feels more like machines, you’re in the wrong work culture. Time to look into moving on. It’s a scary risk, but what’s stronger? The fear of taking that risk that might be worth it or the regret you’ll feel every day you stay? No one can answer these questions for you. Only you can know when it’s time to move on and what’s best for you.
Also try not to be too hard on yourself. Take breaks. Brainstorm with others if it helps. Write things down. Take it one day at a time. Good luck!