Originally posted on my tumblr: I’m considering going on antidepressants, again full text below
One of the principles in the Agile Manifesto is sustainable development: “Agile processes promote sustainable development. The sponsors, developers, and users should be able to maintain a constant pace indefinitely.”`
I have been having trouble maintaining a constant pace. I don’t bring it up much, but in college i was diagnosed with atypical depression. I went on meds for a couple of years. I graduated, I tapered off them, I lived my twenties. I went to China for two seasons, lived in Chico, then Boise. I smoked a bit too much, drank a little too much. I lived my twenties. I quit smoking. I moved to Seattle and got a job, got promoted. I got laid off. I started smoking when I drank and then I started drinking too much. I threw myself into building up a maker space and got dissatisfied when others weren’t dedicated enough. I burned some bridges.
I met my partner, Wendy. We moved in together too fast. We went to visit my brother and his wife in Guangzhou. I got a job maintaining a Rails site. I ended up couch surfing for a couple of months when a roommate situation turned bad. I found a good apartment for Wendy and myself. I got frustrated with that Rails job, so I found a better job.
That was my twenties, that’s till January of this year. Despite having a good job, a nice apartment, a good life, I find myself prone to sadness, frustration, and anger. In early May I visited Portland and got to see some Rubyists at RailsConf. Got to explore the city with Wendy. But I was stressed out and frustrated and exhausted the whole trip. I had a small breakdown over a slow Friday brunch at Kenny and Zuke’s. I was miserable.
I’ve been doing counseling again for the last… Six, maybe nine months. I think it’s helping me communicate how I feel, but I’m not doing great.
Last weekend I went on a long walk and I hurt myself a little. I’ve been sore on my right side and on Monday night the pain hit me particularly badly. I was tired from uneven sleep and just not feeling great. I grumped at my roommate and yelled a bit at my partner. I asked her to sleep on the couch. I didn’t want to be around people, heck I was such a grump I didn’t want to be around me,
I don’t want to be like that, even when I’m in pain.
Last night I watched Greg Bagues’ “Devs and Depression.” I recognized a lot of it. In the last third of his talk he talks about creativity—the concern of those considering treating mental illness with pharmaceuticals that it will dull their creative edge. And he said that he doesn’t feel creative as often, but he’s able to create more, and more reliably.
And as a dev who struggles for consistency, who feels like somedays I’m brilliant, and some days I feel too distracted or full of self-doubt to code effectivey, there’s an appeal to that being able to create more reliably.
So I’m considering going on antidepressants, again.