Hi, i am new to the osmi forums and i long hesitated to write a post. But
i came to the conclusion that i need to to write some things down. Writing
helped to sort my thoughts one ore more times. As some of you may understand
it is way easier to write something down than talking. I am really bad at
talking (about me).
Nine years ago i was diagnosed a persistent depression. I was in a hospital for
4 months and had psycho therapy (which i quit. because i felt it didn't helped
me at all, stupid as i were at that time). But the case that i am still alive
and generally speaking desire to do so, is an indicator that i somehow found
my ways of dealing with the chemical imbalance in my brain. The problem is, it
may not be the healthiest path i am wandering on.
As the title of this post may be indicating my life line is always the next deadline. A non
negotiable point in the future on which i have to do, deliver or attend something.
That could be a going live of a project at work or the birthday of my nephew.
I focus on these points and if i reach one of these milestones i'll switch to the
next one. I ignore my issues and keep thinking it doesn't matter, you have
to* (insert milestone here)".
That led to several problems in my life. It mostly boils down to the same
pattern. I have to solve some "unpleasant" problem. It might be a
task or conversation or bureaucratic paperwork which makes me panic. I can not
see how to resolve the situation and then i focus on the next available deadline.
Ignoring as long as possible the issue for which i do not have a solution and
usually at the end this guy called Murphy surprises me with the worst possible outcome.
It feels like my life is one really bad written sequel of the groundhog day
movie but without the funny parts.
The sweet irony of this is that people in my life call me smart. Oh look what
you've achieved. You made the computer do this and you are so dedicated in the
things you do. Every time i hear this from someone i feel like crying. I escape
the situation often by making a cynical statement about myself, make them laugh
and move on to another topic. The smart guy which isn't able to manage simple
things in life (like maintain long term friendships, do properly his taxes...).
I might need to start therapy again but i fear the moment commiting to it . Like i have my job,
which i love, and there is an unexplainable fear of loosing it or the control
over my life (which i do not possess in the first place). The fear about my job
is somewhat irrational but if i would act rationally i wouldn't have a problem
The last time i sought for help i went to a hospital to inform myself where to
find help. They said i should stay for a night and if the next day i probably
could leave. That lead to four months in a closed door facility. I took some
strong medication and experienced some things that haunt me nine years after
I am writing all of this because i am curious if anyone has experienced such an
anti pattern and if so did you manage to stop you from "hacking" your life
from escape to escape?