This time is different. I didn’t quit; I got laid off. I was bored with the job, and not having to go back is a relief, but I’m deeply troubled. This is a crippling disability. I tried to stay the course, I struggled to complete tasks despite being completely bored by them. I tried to bargain with my superiors for a different role or different tasks that might be more engaging for me. Ultimately I feel like my transparency was used against me; I was told that my lack of engagement was part of the decision to release me. I suppose that is the nature of capitalism; my value as a producer will always supersede my own humanity.
I am not depressed this time. I used to have terrible, suicidal depression. I haven’t had an episode like that in a year. Right now, I am very motivated, but also very lost. I am thinking maybe psilocybin is in order, but who knows.
I don’t know where to go where people will value my brain. Or where to go where I am valued as a person instead of a number on a spreadsheet. I feel that I have a lot of value to offer. I believe that I am very creative, I believe that I am very intelligent; but I am a scatterbrained, unfocused person who simply can’t work on what he’s not interested in. People don’t understand that. There’s nothing physically impeding me from doing the work I’m assigned, so why can’t I just do it? Why can’t I?
I have tried. I have tried Strattera, Wellbutrin, Ritalin, Adderall, Adderall XR, and Vyvanse. The stimulants are great for focusing on what I want to focus on. They cannot make that which is not interesting become interesting.
I feel like ADHD could have me homeless on the street one day. When I quit previous jobs, that was my decision to not have a job, that was my decision to give up. This time, my employer gave up on me. I can’t think of a clearer indication that what I am doing or how I am doing it is not working. It never was working; I just deluded myself into thinking it was.
To be quite honest some kind of disability income seems in order but I don’t think I can afford $1000/mo rent on that. My entire life would have to be scaled down; I would probably have to move. I want nothing more than to have my shit together, but I am cursed, and I am out of ideas. Maybe I’m not really all that creative after all.