I’m a 32 year old male who sunk into what seems to be clinical/major depression a couple weeks ago. The trigger was mostly that my girlfriend of 3 years and a half with whom I was living with for 10 months decided to leave me out of the blue while I thought things were going pretty good. It took me very much by surprise and sent me in a downward spiral pretty fast. But I think that other things in my life have been slowly bringing me down and I guess now is the time to try to figure this shit out.
I now know she had been thinking about leaving me for at least a month or two and talking about it with family and friends, and that she told them that I had depression problems which I did not acknowledge until a couple of weeks ago I guess! I remember talking to her mom right after the breakup and she told me that I had depression problems and I was like “waaat, she’s the one who’s depressed right now”… and I was calling her mom to make sure that my ex was OK because the move was so weird to me.
Anyhow, I’m on work leave right now because I can’t sleep at all anymore it seems and I can’t really function normally anymore or take care of myself property. I lost about 30 pounds in about 2 months and not by exercising. I’ve been having anxiety problems pretty much my whole life but thought I was handling it well. The main thing is that I have psychosomatic chronic pain in the left side of my abdomen on and off since 10 years, which seems to be triggered by anxiety, and it sometimes can last a very long time and for sure causes my morale to go down fast because it’s very hard to pretend that it’s not there. I got a new job last summer and they told me the first year would be pretty tough. I went in anyways and sure enough 2 weeks after starting there the pain started and lasted for 3 weeks. Then I had another episode during the christmas vacation (I didnt feel anxious at the time so thats a weird one) and it lasted 3 weeks too. And it started again when my girlfriend left me and hasn’t left me since, varying in intensity from day to day.
I’ve been doing web programming since I’m a teenager, but I feel like in the last 2 years it’s been a lot less fun for me, its getting harder and harder to keep up with the fast pace of things, I’ve had some failures and haven’t been at the same job for much more than a year and I just wonder what exactly is most coder’s career plan usually because there’s no way I’ll be able to keep up when I’m 40. I think my depression is an accumulation of things, and I don’t think the breakup is the only cause. I’m guessing you’re supposed to just move up the latter into more of a management role, but it feels like I’ll never get there. And right now, I really wonder if I’ll ever program again because my mind feels like the mind of a 95 years old who just had a stroke.
I never ever thought that depression felt this way, but right now my mind is a complete blank and absolutely nothing I used to do is fun. I can’t even get myself to watch a movie or a tv show. I’ve stopped following twitter, stopped reading about web stuff, I don’t program at all anymore and I mostly just try to read inspiring things on my Kindle to pass the time and that’s only an hour or 2 a day. I was already taking a low dose of citalopram because it seems to help me with my anxiety somehow, and we’re trying to up it a little. But everything is really hard to understand, for my parents, for me. They keep telling me that I need to figure out what got me into this situation and I don’t have an answer right now and I’m not sure I’ll have any. I’m trying to have faith in medication and exercise, but I’m guessing at one point I’ll need to kick myself in the butt to get back on my feet, even though it seems a lot easier said than done.
I’m just wondering if some people around here experienced something similar, how they got out of it, etc. It’s the first time since I left my parents place that I’m back living with them for a little while because if I wasn’t here I probably would have checked into a hospital and I would have lost more than 30 pounds. I read online that you have to keep up as much as possible with your normal life, but since my life was very centered around work and my girlfriend (which I’m guessing is a big mistake), nothing about my life is “normal” anymore and I have to somehow rebuild myself one day at a time. I have no idea how long it’s going to take, and it’s scary.