I am depressed. Like severely depressed and I have been for a few years.
I have been on huge doses of Effexor for 2 years.
I have Asperger’s syndrome (high level autism), so because of the problems I have with physically being around people, I used to work as a freelancer from home. I used to be a lot happier working remote even though I HATE web development , but it’s all I can find.
I recently moved to Australia because that’s where my boyfriend wants to live, but I don’t care where I live, so that’s not the problem.
But because I need to look for a sponsorship job and pay rent and everything, I can’t afford to keep on working as a freelancer.
So I had to find a job. And fast.
I don’t have a choice. I need a job and web is pretty much all I can find.
Also, having such a hard time and working so hard to lands jobs I hate and I knew I was going to hate is making me even more depressed. I think the worst part of it was having to deal with recruiters who didn’t understand anything about my work and judge me unfit to do web dev.
So I am currently hired as a fullstack software engineer…
Spending all day doing something I hate is making my depression a lot worse. I feel stuck and underappreciated.
I can’t find a job in what I actually enjoy doing and I am becoming a very angry and bitter person.
I need to build a more solid portfolio in order to be able to land one of the very few positions that still do what I have been passionate about ever since I was a young kid, but I can’t work on my spare time because I am ill.
I am undiagnosed at the time (doctors don’t know what’s wrong) but I am currently being tested for lupus and cancers among other joyful things.
I an dizzy 24/7 and I can no longer walk for more than 3 minutes, and sometimes faint, and I get exhausted from walking to the bathroom for example…
Being that sick doesn’t stop me from doing the job I was hired to do, but working on my personal projects is way too hard because I am suffering from severely impaired cognitive functions from being ill… but I still need to pay for the health tests.
Sometimes, I am not even worried about probably being about to die, anymore. I am just scarred of physical pain.
It’s like I can’t escape the maze.
Please help !!