The core of the problem with my mood during work is that i remember and constantly remind myself of backlog of all my failures. More importantly this mind-set spans to all things i do, thus i’m constantly aware of the consequences of certain action i can choose to perform or not and often i start automatically dramatizing possible outcomes of any given situation.
If only i could reach the state of clear mind or at least push away these memories and all the anxiety about everything that will come if i fail, i would’ve possibly drastically improved my performance.
Also i figured that i’m living super-safe life. Always i plan ahead my escapes and excuses in case i fail (and i often do fail, because i expect failure, it is a default outcome for me) and if failure outcome doesn’t satisfy me i try to convince myself that its not as bad as it seems. So i’m naturally prepared to fail whenever i do something and i take it as given, with light mind and slight disappointment mixed with little joy of correct prediction (because i always “predict” my failure).
I’m sure my situation is not uncommon at all, in fact it is common and i think it should be resolvable.
PS: I’m sorry if this is a recurring post, i just felt like clearing my mind and expressing what i feel is the problem with me (and formalizing my thoughts in the process), didn’t felt like writing it into notepad.