First post; I hope it’s in the right category. Here is a little of what I’m dealing with at the moment, hoping someone will have suggestions or at least encouragement.
I have been working at the same small company for over two years, and worked my way up to be a pretty important part of it. For the last year, due to emotional stress both at home and at work, for a variety of reasons, I have been feeling more and more depressed. I deal with imposter syndrome almost on a daily basis, as I feel to young (26) and unqualified for my current position. To combat this, I have tried to surround myself with vendors and talk to experts in order to validate some of my work and decisions, but the imposter syndrome remains.
I thought I had sort of “snapped out” of my depressed state over this spring, and I decided to improve the company I work for and increase my own job satisfaction by bringing up some issues to my boss. She always encourages such feedback, but I usually keep quiet about what I feel and bottle it all up. It makes things run smoother that way, less friction when there doesn’t appear to be disagreement. To shorten the story slightly, I ended up having a good meeting and then writing a less-than-stellar email. The email sounded a bit aggressive in my critique of some of our processes, and while I thought I was doing a good thing by being honest, my boss took it personally. I’m now left wondering if I will have a job at the end of the month (she mentioned as much) and am looking at other opportunities just in case.
I am very underpaid for what I do (something I can recognize even with the imposter syndrome) so moving to an opportunity with higher pay is very easy. However, I am nervous to apply anywhere with a strong development team, because I’m afraid they will ask advanced questions that I cannot answer. I feel like I need to go back to where my career was 5 years ago, because that’s where I feel that I can excel, that’s where I feel like my skills are stuck. But I also have a strong desire to work somewhere with a strong development team, with people who can help me and train me and show me how to be an excellent developer. But I don’t want to be hit with a FizzBuzz-type problem that renders me code-less.
Overall, I don’t want to leave this company, I still think I can do a lot of good here. I had a bad day, wrote a bad email, and now I’m not sure how I can explain my way out of it. I was too focused on letting my boss know that I’m personally and professionally hurt by things she says, and didn’t give enough thought to her own feelings. I don’t have enough emotional intelligence or “people skills” to know how to apologize and clear things up, and I’m not 100% sure I’ll have the chance before we plan my resignation.
That’s the short story, thanks for listening.
TL;DR: I was sad, I let my boss know, she took it personally, now I’m looking for another job but limited by my insecurities.