I am new and was am happy that a forum like this exists ; many have mental health issues but not everyone is in IT ; so maybe this will help me…
So, I have been coding for 30 years. Started out as a hobby / passion for the first 10 ; from 14 to 24 ; then started Game programming in Assembly (yep, you read that right lol). Then after that company was bought and downsized I went back to school and got an actual diploma in the field I always worked in. So was self taught forever. I have been in the web world for about 15 years now. I started out liking it and up until about 5 years ago I excelled at it. It only took me 1 year to go from junior developer to the team lead where I work now. Then my adhd and anxiety started kicking in worse than ever ; maybe it was the severe apnea plus the meds that were the catalyst for my downward spiral but here I am. I loath going into work now. I am always behind ; I cannot focus on anything except for server and security tasks that interest me now. I hate where the web is at now. I am a php / web / sql developer and those skills are just not that important it seems anymore. People stuck on frameworks, JavaScript and media. Then to boot everyone stuck on this horrid agile path which I really have no love for ; company used to make money until they bought into that BS even though I fought the change and now all I said would happen… has… anyways; don’t want to vent angrily on these things as I am sure others have the opposite feelings on the new coding world.
I am still the product lead on the largest products (lost team lead and mgmt 2 years ago fighting with senior mgmt) but really struggling getting to work each day. I barely get anything done each day and end up in meetings getting yelled at constantly. The newest product is filled with Ajax and responsive web aspects… god F’ing help me lol!
I take Vyvance and Viibryd and these things aren’t helping me anymore. I don’t think changing dose or types matter at this point. So I am really struggling with how I am going to get myself out of this spiral ; find a love for coding again and get my life back in order. I have a young daughter to provide for and can’t just quit yet I have daily night terrors filled with anxiety each day will be my last as I am useless programmer taking up air better used for someone else…
Really not sure what i can do now. I need to have some miraculous turnaround and wake up a different person with hope and ability to do this job again or I need to figure out another path for myself. I also feel like my brain power is getting less and less each day. I can barely solve simple problems now ; 5 years ago I slayed every problem in front of me and all staff turned to me for help daily as I knew more than them in most coding areas… now I am an idiot / imbecile. My psychiatrist doesn’t accept this self evaluation ; just adjusts meds and has some other thing to try the next month. I do try them and want to be better… do better… but it’s not working! Nothing is!
Anyone able to relate? Any suggestions on what I may want to try?