I have been an average person my whole life. I have always wanted to excel at something but that has never been the case.
At 18 years old, I still had not figured what to do with my life, had no interests, no hobbies, no nothing, and decided to study computer science. I did not had any trouble with it, but again I never did anything noteworthy. Nonetheless I managed to go through some internships and some junior developer jobs with ease and life was not great, not bad, just right.
Now at 27 years old I am at a loss because I don’t feel like I know what I am doing with my life anymore. I see most good developers are not lazy laid back dudes like me who feel sorry for themselves, but a force in overdrive capable of anything. I just don’t have that in me.
I did not code at 8 years old, wrote a framework, designed my own game or even finished a Sudoku puzzle. This is the moment where someone says “you should not care for other peoples achievements and focus on yours” but that is not even possible today. Being excellent is no longer the exception, is the rule. I can not land a job after 6 months of search. I have a pristine CV, got certifications and 5 years of experience, but noone cares about, all they want is to see my code in github.
And the real issue is, when I try to even think about building something to show off, I can’t do it. I have never had that spark of imagination and/or incentive in me. I sit for hours in front of my IDE to end up throwing my laptop on the floor and crying myself to sleep.
I just feel so broken due to the fact that I have never been able to do anything in my life without someone else telling me to do it.
Despite being a late bloomer dev, I really enjoy coding, it brings me back simpler times during my childhood, where all I had to do was put blocks together to create something of greater meaning, plus I won’t consider a career change as there is nothing else for me out there to even think about. I really just don’t know how to make a change.
I feel like I am cursed, and it even makes me question if there is a place for me in the world as a coder, or even as a member of this society.
I did try therapy but the only advice I got from it is that noone knows the purpose of their lives, that in time life will show me why I am who I am. I don’t feel I have that time