I can't do it anymore

I have an unusual set of circumstances. I’ve been programming since I was 9 – nearly 30 years. For the last 10 years I’ve been a freelance iOS and macOS developer. I have been self employed my entire life. I can’t handle working for anyone. Programming is easy for me, and learning is easy for me. But…

Well, several things. First, I’m tired of it. I’ve just done so much of it in this life, and I’ve seen the trends come and go, and it’s not that interesting anymore. I’m tired of change for the sake of change. I see little value in what I’ve been doing.

I hate the tech industry and I hate tech. Computers are no longer fun. They’ve been corrupted by smartphone culture. I don’t want to elaborate needlessly but you probably know what I’m talking about. Ultimately, almost anything you might work on is essentially software for dummies, and I no longer respect the product, the process, or the customer.

I hate the internet. It stopped being weird a long time ago. I hate how it’s taken over our lives and what’s done to people’s minds.

I hate marketing and self-promotion and social media. Even when I made peace with the fact that I must self-promote, and decided to swallow my pride and do it, I never, ever could develop the skills. I can’t fake enthusiasm. I do not want to build a community. I don’t even want to be a part of any online communities. I don’t have time for it, I don’t want to be fake, and I just don’t care. I hired a PR firm once and they just wasted my money. The fact is, I will never promote myself.

I have never earned very much because of my lack of self-promotion. I hate the industry and the products. I used to like programming itself, long, long ago. I don’t think I would love it again if I just found the right project or the right employer. I just can’t sit in front of this screen anymore.

To make matters worse, I was getting a lot of exercise this year, riding my bike every day when everyone else is at work (one of the many joys of being so free – something I gladly traded more money for). Then, carpal tunnel syndrome hit. It’s been a month and I still can barely type. I know I will need surgery eventually because this runs in my family but the doctors are dragging it out. So my one outlet and passion, cycling, is on hold. This story would be less negative if I could have spent the last month on my bike, but I stand by everything I write.

I don’t have a future. I’ve known it for years. The solution is not learning some bullshit framework or trying to find a good employer. I will never be happy in a corporate setting. I am not a parasite and I do not expect to be taken care of – it’s just that everything that society values do is so painful and stupid and pointless. I do not care about money or status or power. I just want to quietly do my own thing, care about my friends, and stay away from groups and hierarchies. But my body can’t take it. My mind can’t take it. It is destroying my soul. This is not some temporary feeling. I have wanted to quit for years. I have no other skills.

And I just want to say how much I deeply resent all the successful happy people who write self help articles about how you should just follow your passion or work hard at something random and then develop it into a passion. I worked hard for years (10 hour days) and I am pretty good at what I do but I have never loved it less. It seems like the only way to earn a decent living is to sign away your time and your soul, to be incredibly fake and sociopathic, or to be a true believing idiot who thinks that some bullshit web app will change the world.

I apologize that this is not shorter but my hands hurt too much to really edit this.

I’m so lost. I can’t afford therapy. I can’t work. I hate my work. I will lose my house. I don’t know what to do.

I´m a former developer and also a cyclist so I kind of understand you , don´t worry for your hand , you can still use a spinning bicycle in order to keep performance while you get surgery and ride without hands .
Everything can be pointless or meaningful depending of your point of view . I hope I was as good as you developing , nowadays I cannot even code a “hello world” but I aspire to become a better developer , so from my point of view you have a lot of good skills .
I think you can be between depression and anxiety , you must be very careful to differentiate between these two and let me tell you why . I also developed this kind of repulsion to code and eventually became a software architect buy my heart was always with the code . I eventually was treated with depression and some things went off like sadness and anger buy I still couldn´t code , after some time I realized all these feelings were caused by anxiety and the more I wanted to code the more bad feelings came into my mind .
So , you need to observe carefully which situations trigger all these feelings in order to confront them and take a better approach .
If you cannot afford a doctor , search for free mental health telephone numbers in order to be oriented by a professional at no cost .
If you know how to code you know that there is an infinite ways to solve a problem , so your problems have at least an infinite way to be solved so do not desperate my friend.

very sed for this person…