I don't know how to ask… but I am desperate!

Hi everyone:

I really hate myself for posting this, but as someone who has severe triggers about fair compensation, I’ve always run away from the anything related to income. I’ve managed for 5 years somehow.

I know that most people would find my problems confusing, some will judge (trust me I do more than anyone could), but I cannot get over the unearthing fears of finishing a profile for sponsoring my efforts (I’m an open book).

Writing this at 5:50 am has already drained my self-esteem, but I hold on to my faith in that this is all conditional triggers, that it is humane that people who hit those would not be expected to know how to overcome them alone, and so I post this.

Please help :heart:

Hi @SMotaal - I’m not sure what you’re asking exactly help re: anything related to income; could you clarify?

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Hey @allisonplus… will try.

Note: I’ve always had trouble relating my point

In the past five years, I’ve had a few meltdowns when trying to summarize what people need to know about me in resumes or building profiles on things like patreon, and GitHub Sponsors.

Something about always ending up portraying the wrong thing, even if I am verbose, without the benefit of body language. And while it is easy to just think that if I kept at it enough it would have eventually worked, please appreciate that keeping at it enough to have a meltdown and not have a safety cushion to fall back on complicates things beyond comprehension.

And so every time I have a meltdown, I put myself together and decide to focus on presentable work, but mainly to only focus on things I have control over, at least until I heal my confidence.

All those set backs are not “immaturity” or “depression” — they have very atypical social biases that underline the facts that while people are fair, all they see is what they like less then my peer who got the job — and came to ask for my help to lie about them taking courses which I myself took (and specialized in very keenly BTW) and never got a call.

All those set backs lead to “depression” out of “maturity” — if the world works not by genuine and fair hiring, and if I am destined to always rub people socially annoyed, no amount of confidence in the world will keep me together long enough.

So how do I not lie, not be verbose and be clear in a few bullets… but what is really happening when I cannot solve this, my brain is still trying to reason about all those intense emotions expressed above — no thank you, we will take the one with the smile and nice handshake, not to mention, you look smart enough to figure things out… and in case we did not underline it enough, all your extra effort to study, we don’t bother with that because we normally like to get clean slates that we can shape and mold as we need…

Beyond exercising my philosophical outlook — https://medium.com/@smotaal/inclusive-academia-b108db55dc15 — I have not…

And having to express all this out in the open (hoping for any chance you are seen coherent enough when read to actually relate), it eats away at any sense of self-worth… not to mention, it likely only makes it harder for others to not want to pass.

There is no support, I only have my advisor (great mentor and friend, abroad) and my therapist (great coach and friend, abroad) a few hacker friends, and my family who is going through a lot already without my burden.

If I could zone out and magically be like others while I fill out those smaller chores, I would not be 5 years into living on nothing and trying to work as hard as anyone possibly can on other important things that do not have those boxes to be filled, for free.

I thought the mental health system can help, certainly this is the responsible thing to do, I did my part, no one came close to doing anything related to this blocker. In fact, they added to my anxiety and triggered meltdowns from stereotyping me the wrong way. All in all, it was the right path, but it is not enough.

Right now, I am healing from this meltdown, but I am doing it without having any access to a support system (ie local mental health care/support which I tried to access for 5 years now and still not have anything related). Odds are I will be twice as cautious when I have enough self-esteem to try again, I want to give up, but I cannot accept the pain it will cause those around me.

This is not “depression” it is “despair” and with it people have every right to be sad, pessimistic and depressing to be around (unless they work extra hard to fake it for the pleasure of others who don’t understand the burden) — what can I do, alone, broke, not unqualified, not insincere, just not typical.

So sorry to be so open… but these will likely be the underlying emotions that will be unbreakable in my mind when I have my next meltdown.

@allisonplus I know this seems stale/confusing/odd… any input is appreciated and likely much valuable than one would expect it to be :slight_smile:

Hi @SMotaal, In my attempts to parse your thoughts, it seems like there are two main issues here:

  1. Portraying your open source attempts accurately
  2. Not fitting into the structure that others are deeming appropriate

In portraying your attempts ‘correctly’ it sounds like there is a lot of perfectionism at play. I know I always get frustrated when people tell me to just ‘not worry about it’ but I also think there’s something to be said for letting go of that need for perfectionism (or letting the worry overcome you from doing anything at all). Have you tried doing a big ol’ brain dump and then having someone help sift out the important bits?

You mentioned that you’ve attempted to get support and ‘did your part’ but that it didn’t work out. It sounds like without access to a real support system, your inner turmoil and thoughts are really in a muddle - even during this healing process. Is it possible for you to reach out again within a different type of system (or to different practitioners) during this healing process rather than after?

I know it’s a difficult process overall. Best wishes :sparkles: