I don't know how to ask… but I am desperate!

Hi everyone:

I really hate myself for posting this, but as someone who has severe triggers about fair compensation, I’ve always run away from the anything related to income. I’ve managed for 5 years somehow.

I know that most people would find my problems confusing, some will judge (trust me I do more than anyone could), but I cannot get over the unearthing fears of finishing a profile for sponsoring my efforts (I’m an open book).

Writing this at 5:50 am has already drained my self-esteem, but I hold on to my faith in that this is all conditional triggers, that it is humane that people who hit those would not be expected to know how to overcome them alone, and so I post this.

Please help :heart:

Hi @SMotaal - I’m not sure what you’re asking exactly help re: anything related to income; could you clarify?

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Hey @allisonplus… will try.

Note: I’ve always had trouble relating my point

In the past five years, I’ve had a few meltdowns when trying to summarize what people need to know about me in resumes or building profiles on things like patreon, and GitHub Sponsors.

Something about always ending up portraying the wrong thing, even if I am verbose, without the benefit of body language. And while it is easy to just think that if I kept at it enough it would have eventually worked, please appreciate that keeping at it enough to have a meltdown and not have a safety cushion to fall back on complicates things beyond comprehension.

And so every time I have a meltdown, I put myself together and decide to focus on presentable work, but mainly to only focus on things I have control over, at least until I heal my confidence.

All those set backs are not “immaturity” or “depression” — they have very atypical social biases that underline the facts that while people are fair, all they see is what they like less then my peer who got the job — and came to ask for my help to lie about them taking courses which I myself took (and specialized in very keenly BTW) and never got a call.

All those set backs lead to “depression” out of “maturity” — if the world works not by genuine and fair hiring, and if I am destined to always rub people socially annoyed, no amount of confidence in the world will keep me together long enough.

So how do I not lie, not be verbose and be clear in a few bullets… but what is really happening when I cannot solve this, my brain is still trying to reason about all those intense emotions expressed above — no thank you, we will take the one with the smile and nice handshake, not to mention, you look smart enough to figure things out… and in case we did not underline it enough, all your extra effort to study, we don’t bother with that because we normally like to get clean slates that we can shape and mold as we need…

Beyond exercising my philosophical outlook — https://medium.com/@smotaal/inclusive-academia-b108db55dc15 — I have not…

And having to express all this out in the open (hoping for any chance you are seen coherent enough when read to actually relate), it eats away at any sense of self-worth… not to mention, it likely only makes it harder for others to not want to pass.

There is no support, I only have my advisor (great mentor and friend, abroad) and my therapist (great coach and friend, abroad) a few hacker friends, and my family who is going through a lot already without my burden.

If I could zone out and magically be like others while I fill out those smaller chores, I would not be 5 years into living on nothing and trying to work as hard as anyone possibly can on other important things that do not have those boxes to be filled, for free.

I thought the mental health system can help, certainly this is the responsible thing to do, I did my part, no one came close to doing anything related to this blocker. In fact, they added to my anxiety and triggered meltdowns from stereotyping me the wrong way. All in all, it was the right path, but it is not enough.

Right now, I am healing from this meltdown, but I am doing it without having any access to a support system (ie local mental health care/support which I tried to access for 5 years now and still not have anything related). Odds are I will be twice as cautious when I have enough self-esteem to try again, I want to give up, but I cannot accept the pain it will cause those around me.

This is not “depression” it is “despair” and with it people have every right to be sad, pessimistic and depressing to be around (unless they work extra hard to fake it for the pleasure of others who don’t understand the burden) — what can I do, alone, broke, not unqualified, not insincere, just not typical.

So sorry to be so open… but these will likely be the underlying emotions that will be unbreakable in my mind when I have my next meltdown.

@allisonplus I know this seems stale/confusing/odd… any input is appreciated and likely much valuable than one would expect it to be :slight_smile:

Hi @SMotaal, In my attempts to parse your thoughts, it seems like there are two main issues here:

  1. Portraying your open source attempts accurately
  2. Not fitting into the structure that others are deeming appropriate

In portraying your attempts ‘correctly’ it sounds like there is a lot of perfectionism at play. I know I always get frustrated when people tell me to just ‘not worry about it’ but I also think there’s something to be said for letting go of that need for perfectionism (or letting the worry overcome you from doing anything at all). Have you tried doing a big ol’ brain dump and then having someone help sift out the important bits?

You mentioned that you’ve attempted to get support and ‘did your part’ but that it didn’t work out. It sounds like without access to a real support system, your inner turmoil and thoughts are really in a muddle - even during this healing process. Is it possible for you to reach out again within a different type of system (or to different practitioners) during this healing process rather than after?

I know it’s a difficult process overall. Best wishes :sparkles:


Hi Allison:

When I first wrote this thread, the inner turmoil was rampant. Then it was not.

Sure, everyone wanting to help often comes to the same conclusions as you did. But if 18 years of seeking the right support system from the healthcare system is not enough, and those conclusions are not in my hand, ie I lived 13 of the 18 years faking they were, until I fell into the abyss, that left me alone for 5 years trying to find something that gives, because all forms of reason tell me, I am asked to do the impossible.

So far, that explains why I am stuck today. What happened is for the first time in my 18 years, I discovered there was a growing number of folks who have almost the exact life progression, it is a particular predisposition where folks who grew not looking ASD enough (on account of massive changes of exposure on account of our digital age) who:

  • read faces to an insane degree (we see what people would have expressed as they edit)
  • make jokes (we read the room and tailor the experience to everyone)
  • “greet people” (as I was told by someone in HackerJuno why they are not hiring those who cannot wear all hats)
  • but also were always too different that they just fit the usual weirdo label (and so many of us have developed all these ASD-grade defense mechanisms to cope with the inhumanity we faced).

Everyone in society tells us here is what works, only we are literally the edge-case that don’t work as expected.

As 5 years of doing as asked, left me working less and less as expected:

  1. it forces me to do ASD-grade study of the reality (we are not more/less intelligent, but we have unconventional ways to think, reality, not better or worst, but highly perceptive on account of our design and circumstance)
  2. it matters only if you are willing to give me the benefit of the doubt (most people won’t, hence my life likely best less lived, I hope it ends every day, that it happens because I cannot do it myself).
  3. it made me see gaps that justify my problems.
  4. it made me realize that my problems are affecting those who society is failing to not mislabel 24/7/365 (as if that was ever semantically correct, but it is typical).

Note — I discovered Quora was the only place in our so called inclusive social media where folks who shared my life’s predisposition end up after suffering from the collective UX in all other places, but that does not solve the root problem obviously, only that I was not insane, stubborn, or faking my untenable reality everyone kindly says is just around the corner.

So no, sorry, it does not help, it is gratefully appreciated, and I thank you, but everytime I do that I leave the interaction doing my best to see that those who try to help are equally given my best effort to make them feel appreciated, but to be honest, all I am getting to make my life work for 5 years is lather, rinse, repeat, where the problem is I have no water (metaphorically) and the soap is killing me, and still piling up on every turn.

We have a society that is inaccessible to those who are ASD but we so call “lucky” to be considered “high functioning” — I wrote code since I was 5 years (silly shit, but that is all I did because I had no friends).

I have learning disabilities, and I have PTSD from society’s so called brush-off attitude towards what they see when I am in a room:

  • Retard
  • Annoying
  • Angry
  • Depressing
  • Stubborn
  • Incoherent
  • Incompetent
  • Deceitful

ASD leaves each one of those permanently etched in my thoughts, that the next time the same pattern begins unfolding, all I want to do is beg for people to understand me, not what they think I would have when they rudely interrupt me, with anger, that I never even get a say.

So I really thank you Allison, from my heart, but the problem is not solved, it will never be solved. It was a problem before I was diagnosed, I wore out trying to survive it, it is still a problem now, only I have less people around me who while they also fall into this social trap, they realize and correct because they love me — tomorrow, there will be even less (and that is my latest PTSD, on account of events).

We are being treated by doctors who are primed to the inevitability where they lash out at our predisposition, traumatize us, rinse, repeat — and there is no water.

We are surviving in a society that has deemed it appropriate to lash out at our predisposition, traumatize us, rinse, repeat — and there is no water.

We are made to look somehow, but all it takes is for people to try to see what is actually there, not what they are primed to judge before they even let seen what is meant to have followed — we are not “fixable” we can fake it for so long, every single interaction is a bullying experience, that I cannot find the right words to express my worth, it is the tip of the iceberg, it is a result, not a symptom of something I need to work on.

I leave this thread learning that I aspire from society more than it has to offer, that I might be better of not speaking to those who are prejudiced, not that they are at fault, because fault is pointless if I still live a miserable life in the end.

Please appreciate that this might look somehow on account of your experience from all the people you are so good natured in trying to help, promise me that you would not infer here please :heart: — thank you, deeply!

I try to capture my thoughts in Why Suicide still comes second to 5 years of painful, perpetual, death-by-popular-appeal!

Hey @allisonplus… Sorry for not finding clarity in expressing the “suck” last time around, I needed to find it, and must thank you for everything you do, there is no excuse, I am ashamed to even want to read what I wrote :heart:

It is hard to wake up one morning to discover you had been struggling to live with something even most doctors fail to actually learn to know… That there can something that most people trying to help you cope with, unintentionally makes you look exactly like something else that completely frustrates them, that when they try to help, because of the different frame of reference, they often do not realize that it can drastically affect them differently… My realization now, people need to know they are not nearly familiar with it, the books are hardly accurate, the education hardly fair, so it is not opting for ignorance, more than not realizing that what is there to learn leaves one still completely unaware.

I am so sorry for my burst, and I will not excuse it, just ask that you accept my sincere apology, and gratitude.

I have since went to find the clarity I was missing, it was hard, but I think it is now there, my road is substantially longer, harder even, but it is no longer one that is one step forward, 20 back.

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