Apologies in advance for the long post.
I had a rough childhood.
I really never flourished til undergrad. I’d been kind of a fuck up in middle / high school. I grew up in a lower middle class family that was big on the idea you’re “good” at stuff or “bad” at stuff. So I got the label of “good with computers” and “bad at math” (probably was just bad a focusing, in retrospect)
I had a lot of bad things happen during my childhood, to the point I have a full blown anxiety disorder.
Anyways, I ended up spending my 20s focused on usability - because again, I’m “bad at math” and “bad at programming” so that makes sense? And eventually that led to a PhD, which I was miserable in. And eventually that led to working for an NGO, where I felt like an alien. Ended up leaving the NGO job. “Not a cultural fit”.
So now I’m unemployed, with a skillset (usability and securiy) no one seems to hire for, since no one seems to want a ux person who actually helps people make good decisions… or if they do, they want someone from Stanford or another fancy school.
I’m interviewing for low level grunt jobs, because even though I’ve done a ton of self study (ex: taught myself python and R, in the process of rolling out a redo of my personal site in Jeckyll) people look at my resume, don’t look past the NGO job, and say “no programming experience” and again - it seems super difficult to find ux researcher work unless you went to an elite school, or you are working on shady stuff…
I feel like I fell through the cracks. I never got help with college, mentorship, anything like that. I had a parent with cancer, an abusive father, and have lost two friends. I thought I did everything right, but I feel like I’m back where I started…
Anyways, right now I’m just struggling to get out of bed. I feel like nothing I do makes my situation better. I’ve tried numerous meds, didn’t help. Well, weed did but can’t use that since I might need to do a cleared job, since all the hip bay companies don’t want me. Tried mindfulness meditation, which helps a bit, but that can’t change that I’m possibly going to move back in with my parents…