I am 16 years old and live in the United Kingdom. I recently saw a video on Vimeo of a person called Greg Baugues giving a speech about his experiences in life and developers with depression. I’d like to share my life with you guys so that you can help me sort my life out because I direly need it.
At the age of 11 I had my very first computer, some single core Intel processor with 2GB ram which was slow as hell but did the job. A few months after having it I began learning PHP, HTML and SQL so I could get my head around how websites worked and so that I could create my own web applications. A year later, 12, I ventured into my very first project. I could not bring myself to complete it, I got a week into it and gave up and I had no idea why. I ended up releasing it some forum which is now closed and people were saying “Your lines of code we absolutely trash and you should be ashamed of yourself.” along with “You completely ripped off my project and renamed it!”.
Another year after that, 13 years old now, I got into a physical fight with a guy who I beat in Tennis 4 times in a row. After that I felt like I was getting angrier and I was told by some of my friends that I had changed and they wanted nothing to do with me because of me changing. I couldn’t even tell the difference, I was just being “Me”. So after those experiences I just stayed inside and spent many years learning more about computers and web development, mainly web development.
Skip ahead to me being 16, which I currently am, just about to start College tomorrow. Ever since I was 13 I have been staying up very late, sometimes not even sleeping and taking cans upon cans of energy drinks to just stay awake because I feel like I must learn more and more. I struggle to concentrate on anything else unless it’s gaming and writing codes. Currently I know PHP, CSS, HTML, SQL and C# so you can tell that I’ve been staying inside an awful lot. I don’t even tell anyone, in real life, that I know this because I find it embarrassing for some reason. I hate making conversations with people in real life and whenever I do I just want to get back to my computer and do what I do best. I only like to converse with people online because I feel like it’s easier and people are much more understanding. I find it very difficult to trust people and don’t share a lot, I’m making this an exception because I really need the help to sort out my life. I also get told by teachers I can’t sleep in class and my science teacher worried about me the one time and phoned my Mum to ask her about it and my Mum didn’t even know I stayed up all night. Whenever someone asks me if I’m OK I always say “Yeah I’m fine” because I hate sharing how I feel.
My family keeps saying to me that I need to get my life together and that I can’t stay inside all my life, which I know but I just don’t feel comfortable anywhere else other than sitting in front of a games console or computer. I used to think about suicide pretty much every day but I know that I could never bring myself to do it, I wake up in the mornings not wanting to get up and complete the day and it takes me 2 hours or me just being EXTREMELY tired to actually fall asleep, even when I am extremely tired it will still take me about 30 minutes.
I just want to get my life on track and sort all this out but yet I want to continue doing web development because I enjoy it quite a lot. I just need some advice, I also am very scared about telling my Mum because she’s a massive worrier and will always think the worst about a situation.
Any advice on this?
Sorry for any fuck-ups, posting this at 6:15am and being tired is horrible when typing.