I have not worked in 7 years, now I'm homeless


#1

I am ADHD and have generalized anxiety disorder, again, depressed.

Homeless legally, but for now, have a roof over my head, not my roof and not going to last long.

I have owned several businesses in my life, all code related, starting in the 90s onward. I did pretty well for myself. About 7 years ago three of my family members started to get sick, unrelated but all terminal diseases. I decided to be available to them. “Available to them” became a full time job for four years. That process and what followed could easily be made into a book. I cared for them to the extent of changing diapers, changing their bed sheets, and feeding them, one at a time, until each passed from one terminal illness to another.

In that four years I lost everything, not just my family members, but all of my possessions, sold most, so I had savings to move forward with. Understand that for this four years, I would have normally built another company.

When It was over I contemplated suicide, in fact, I had planned on it while caring for them, to pass with the last (my grandmother).

Obviously, I did not take this route.

That was my fall over four years. Now my odd and failed rise, the past three years.

When I left coding I was a C# developer, when I came back I looked at the state of tech, looking at things with fresh eyes and having come from Unix roots, I chose to go the route of JavaScript by way of TypeScript, Nodejs seemed very interesting.

For three years I have done nothing but learn.

My skills: TypeScript, Node.js, REST, Angular, RxJS, NgRx, HTML5, CSS, Sass, Git, - I know these things in great depth, it is incrinsingly difficult for me to find things on these topics that I can learn from. In fact, I am more skilled today than I have ever been in my life.

I am also a Certified AWS Solutions Architect and AWS Certified Developer

(For the non technical reader that is modern and pretty high demand stuff)

I have run out of saving and am now homeless. I intended to get a job two years ago, but just kept learning. I am scared of nothing, but I am petrified of getting a job as a developer.

Today, an opportunity came up for me to work in tech support at near minimum wage, and I plan on taking it, not scared of that. I am scared to get a job as a developer and I do not know why!

I have read books like Cracking the Coding Interview. I could probably pass a Silicon Valley interview, I am not in Silicon Valley.

I have built a wall of fear so high. I got my AWS Certified Developer just for the validation so I could go look for a job, but after I passed within hours it felt like the same nothing, so I went for AWS Solutions Architect, same thing happened, that was a year ago.

I have been a business owner my entire life. I do not have a CS degree, I am skilled and modern but I am old. I have taken over a dozen products to market but I have never worked in a proper software company.

Am I too old ― almost 50 now. If I am, WHY!?
What will be expected of me, would they not expect me to be master of all. I am not.

I just want to write code, I just want to go to work and do my job, to contribute and be creative and be productive, to solve problems, point me at it.

I think I have the same fear as a young entry level developer with the baggage of age and pain. Not having a business is a source of shame, not having a job is a source of same. Being afraid is a source of shame.

I have just been alone in a damn room for three years learning, the learning is diving me insane, now I can see I MUST do something.

What the hell is going on here?


#2

I am in the same place as you. I love learning. It gives me so e structure and it’s fun. Why is it driving you crazy? Maybe along with learning you can interview at the same time?


#3

Well, interview, get a job, that is all I want to do, I’m just so damn scared of it.

I guess I was looking for a magic answer or magic solution, that someone would say the right thing that got me over that fear. I think I have weird world view right now, like if I fail at an interview or fail at getting the job that every company in the city is going to know and I will be on some list of failures. I really do not know what my issue is. I know it is fear, of what, I do not know.