I'm a failure and I don't deserve to be alive


#1

I have let myself and my family down. I’m just trying to make it one day at a time. If I didn’t screw up, this would be a happy time.

Instead, I have burned all the bridges down. I am so tired and I can’t do this anymore. There has to be relief somehow.

I used to be happy, that was before this mess. Now I’m a failure, a big ole mess.

I don’t see any sign of light in this hole I dug myself.

I have interviewed for remote jobs, but I just can’t pass the test.

I’m destined to work at Wal-Mart, or Target, or something less. My wife won’t let me change careers, even if it’s for the best.

I’m such a screw up. I’m a failure. I’m better off not here.


#2

Please find a psychiatrist. Nothing is ever so broken it can’t be fixed. I’ll pray for you. I’ve been there. It’s tough, but suicide is never a best option.


#3

Calm down … Null is right… I have felt the same a thousand times… And I’ve managed to pull myself out of it… Even jobs in stores is nothing less…


#4

I was feeling really down when I posted this. I still feel kind of bad, but I have to get some things right in my mind.

I can’t let one job or one mistake define me.

I am not my job, and there are so many others out there.

If I am let go, it’s going to sting. But my wife is a nurse and we can still keep everything we have.

It just sucks is all. I know I’m much better than this.


#5

Please understand I say this from a place of kindness. You frequently speak of your wife in negative terms - that she won’t permit this, or she will leave you if you don’t do that. Have you considered that some of your problems at work may stem from trouble at home?

I don’t know anything about your marriage, and I don’t presume to, but I do know that when I start speaking and thinking that way about my spouse, something is wrong between us and we need to have a serious conversation and sort it out. If your wife is actually saying these things, that can be a scary conversation to initiate. That may be a time to consider relationship counseling. If it’s you making assumptions about things she would say if you brought a topic up, it’s very important you DO bring the topic up to help dispel the distorted thoughts in your head.

For me, and I know we’re not the same, feeling unsupported by my spouse throws me in all kinds of crazy directions and I feel like I can never find my feet. But if I tamp down my fear and make the time and space for a genuine, honest conversation, I usually find that were not as bad off as I had thought. And when they are as bad or worse, at least we know so we can both try to improve in whatever sphere is necessary.

I want to remind you that you’re doing well. Not only are you still employed, but you’re able to be more professional at work. You’re actively interviewing. So what if you don’t pass some stupid tests - you’ll find a place you belong. Interviewing in a numbers game, you have to sort through a lot of trash before you find a company and job you want to be a part of. But meanwhile, you’re still earning a paycheck, so you’re ahead of the game! Your under a lot of stress right now, but you’re doing ALL THE RIGHT THINGS.

It takes time.
Be kind to yourself. Lean on people who are kind to you - it’s okay to need people sometimes. It’s okay to want kindness. That doesn’t make you fragile or weak.

I’m really impressed with your ability to keep things together, even when you’re clearly in a bad place. Take a minute a be impressed with yourself! People without depression don’t have these kinds of struggles. You have to work harder for everything because you have to not only fight to achieve, but fight to overcome yourself. Look how hard you’re fighting right now! Go you! And, bonus, even with depression you’re still managing the situation better than a lot of “healthy” people would.

You are the only person who knows you, who knows how hard you’re trying, who knows how difficult this moment, this situation is. If you’re not happy with your effort, that’s one thing, but if others are telling you you’re not doing enough or trying hard enough - they’re wrong and shame on them.


#6

Thanks. Even with depression and anxiety, I have always been a very determined person.

As far as my wife not letting me do things, she has told me that I have to stay in my career because that’s the one I chose and that’s the one I’m stuck with. She said that I should have sorted that out before we had kids.

I only knew her for six months before we got married. That’s incredibly fast, in my opinion. And, we met on yahoo personals (in 2006).

My wife is controlling and has her own share of anxiety issues. She did not outright say she was going to leave if I got fired (which I don’t think I am), but she said that she can’t keep doing this. She blamed all of the issues I’ve had at my jobs (two were legitimately toxic workplaces) on me and said that I needed to let her know my strategy so that this won’t happen again.

She told me that she is a codependent because her happiness depends on me being happy. Neither of us do drugs or consume alcohol.

She’s four years older than me.

With any human interaction, communication is key.

She’s also a different religion than me, and one I didn’t know about until I met her. It’s one that believes all the main figures in each faith is a manifestation of God.

Yesterday was our 9 year wedding anniversary. She asked me, “Nine years is a long time, huh?” I just replied that it isn’t a long time.

There also was this time she surprised me when I got home from work years ago. She was sitting on the back porch kind of down in the dumps. I asked her what was wrong and she said that she felt emotionally alone.

She wound up buying a book on love languages. She figured she was acts of service and that I was quality time. I took the test in the back of the book and came out
Gifts, but she insisted that I took the test wrong.

We seem to be more like a business than a married couple.

Oh, and she told me once that I’m like a woman because I like to talk on the phone and cook. Then she told me I needed to act like her dad, brother, and ex-brother in law (they are roughnecks and insensitive).

Oh, and another thing while I’m thinking about it, back when we moved in together, I was looking up what it would take for me to get my masters in music composition and she made a snide comment, “Oh, don’t tell me you are one of those people who doesn’t know what they want to do.” I immediately turned that site off and said no.

She said it took her a while to get used to my personality.

I think this crisis, which I think is resolving itself, has exposed the weaknesses in my marriage, and it is very possible that all of this stemmed from my marriage and not the job.


#7

Hey I hope you’re doing much better. Idk how long ago this post is from but i’m in your corner my guy.