For as long as I can remember, I’ve had great difficulty getting regular sleep. Poor sleep has kind of been the lifelong bane of my existence, hindering my academic performance in the past, and my work performance now.
When I am rested, I am actually a very high functioning, productive person. But I only ever experience that state of being for short bursts, maybe three days at a time if I’m very lucky. Normally I’m a bag-eyed wreck.
I’m fortunate that my profession allows me to work from home, which I end up doing very frequently so as not to embarrass myself in the office, but there have been times where I have been under pressure and had to push through the sleepiness. Some of those periods have put me into a truly terrible mental state.
I’ve tried every conceivable remedy to solve the problem. Cool room, dark room, ear plugs, special pillows, no coffee, exercise, no food before bed, no shower before bed, no blue light before bed, melatonin, reading before bed, sleeping pills. Even popping two Ambiens when I absolutely have to sleep will not always do the trick. I’ve actually had a no sleeper after taking two of those. I simply cannot shut my mind off.
The thing that’s so maddening about this is that it’s such a simple problem. I don’t have a physical or mental disability. I’m not crazy. I’ve managed to build a very decent life for myself. But I’m fucking miserable. Every day is a slog. I have to hide how shitty I feel constantly, and it’s actually getting to the point where I’m becoming depressed about it. I feel hopeless that I’ll ever achieve any kind of balance in my life. I’ll always be fighting tooth and nail to make it through the next week.