I’ll try to make this short, because just being cathartic about this might help me get back to studying and applying to these jobs…
I’m a recent grad from a coding bootcamp and I feel always so inferior and I get discouraged nearly every moment because I see my failures being waved in front of my face. A large chunk of my cohort went on to do great things like interviewing at (and getting hired at) Google, whereas I dropped out in the middle of the course due to stress, and then came back for the next cohort. And even then, I still lagged behind people who allegedly had been studying this material for less time than I was. I have friends who got jobs there right out of college, and one particular pissant who’s barely in his 20’s in a managerial position there. I don’t see how I’m supposed to compete with any of these people, let alone the experts taking up space everywhere else.
I changed my career path from Biology to computer programming right after I graduated college with that useless degree. I thought I did everything right, and I feel like a total failure that I have nothing to show for it.
I feel like an absolute fool for getting sucked into the cult of start-up positivity and not foreseeing that I possibly wouldn’t be good at this. I want to throw up whenever I see algorithms, and I seethe when I see other people implement whiteboard solutions to complicated sorts and logic problems like it was nothing.
A lot of people call me entitled, or say that I’m young and don’t know what will happen. But in the real world, especially in programming, I feel like not being among the very best is a one-way ticket to inescapable mediocrity and drudgery as a code monkey. It’s times like this, when the anxiety roils and the anger smolders when I just can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, that I feel like all of my expectations were a giant waste of time and I should just hand over the reigns to my life to somebody else.
I know that all this anxiety also actually does prevent me from being productive and doing more work, but I just can’t help but feel that this is an absolute truth I can’t avoid, that life may just not be for me.
I was glad to find this site at least, to see that it’s also not after-work beer parties and jargon-spewing meetings for everyone else either…