Not being able to do much of anything

So in short I have a lot of issues on hand. I am 16 have PDD-NOS and Gender Dysphoria.

What I am sick off is not being able to properly deal with getting emotional when I get anxious or things are just not going my way. I can’t really grab a hold of myself in situation where I want to do something.

Although I will admit that I don’t know really what to do programming wise. I am interested in how some applications can be modified. Yet I also care a lot about being able to actually produce stuff and the design parts of games. I like especially when it get a bit tough like in Cpp, but I get easily overwhelmed with books and documentation.

I’ve tried pretty much every field that you can think of at least to the researching stage.

I am living under very unpleasant conditions with a mother that isn’t very tolerant or understanding. Respond at best emotionally, apathetic normally and very passive-aggressively.

I am currently at least getting treatment for my PDD-NOS(a form of autism) with CBT but it’s been very ineffective so far(I prefer not to switch professional).

As far as GD goes I am in the process(a slow and painful one) of transition(mtf).

Anyways I feel like I can’t do anything against my panicky and heavy emotional response to having to pick up something new or tackling a larger idea. It causes me either to burn out or freeze to the point I am more or less weeping on the floor not being able to keep myself together.

Getting into something is mentally slower for me, so I get stressed if I can’t work at the same speed. It has costed almost my life as far as suicide and school performance is concerned.

My only means of calming down is being on youtube, reddit or 4chan. It’s also what I prefer to do on my time off school.

I just barely started being able to plan again and I don’t know how long I’ll keep it up.

I live in The Netherlands, just so that that is known.

Hope to have informed enough.
I am very tired. It’s 2AM in the morning and need to be up by 6:30-7AM and have a headache so I’ll leave it at that.

Update: I just wanna know whether I am the only one dealing with this dogmatic unproductivity.

Hang in there. You have a lot going on. Productivity is one of the first areas impacted by mental illness and many many people on this forum can relate. Continue your professional treatment and if you dont feel like it is helping after a few months, consider a different practitioner or therapeutic orientation. I would recommend a professional who specializes in GD. Maybe yours already does. Start with smaller projects and tasks to avoid getting overwhelmed and panicked by larger expectations, which appear to be burning you out and causing anxiety. Your ability to work through larger projects will come and go as you work through areas that are impacting your life right now. It’s ok to scale back expectations at times when you are feeling emotionally drained. At times things will seem easy and at others really hard. Hang in there and keep working towards your PDD/GD goals. And keep reaching out for support. You are not alone.

{Disclaimer: I am a professional psychologist/doctor. I volunteer for OSMI. I am not soliciting clients or offering treatment. My participation in this forum is to offer professional input to be considered with the range of responses and support offered by fellow developers.}

As @DrA mentioned, getting good professional mental health care is definitely a good idea. I can’t give any advice about the mental health issues you’re dealing with, but maybe I can help a little bit with your productivity crisis.

My productivity tanked during my bouts of depression and it was very easy to beat myself up for not being productive enough and then get even more depressed. I would suggest that you start by focusing on small steps and consistent. Instead of trying to do a lot of work at once, try to do just a small amount of work, or as much as you can manage, but try and do it everyday. This will have a two-fold effect: first, by doing a little everyday, you will make serious progress over time. Secondly, you will give yourself confidence that you can actually get things done over time. It helps if you keep a record, or have a specific time and place to do whatever it is that you’re interested. Just by moving a little every day, you will eventually get very far.

Good luck!

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