So in short I have a lot of issues on hand. I am 16 have PDD-NOS and Gender Dysphoria.
What I am sick off is not being able to properly deal with getting emotional when I get anxious or things are just not going my way. I can't really grab a hold of myself in situation where I want to do something.
Although I will admit that I don't know really what to do programming wise. I am interested in how some applications can be modified. Yet I also care a lot about being able to actually produce stuff and the design parts of games. I like especially when it get a bit tough like in Cpp, but I get easily overwhelmed with books and documentation.
I've tried pretty much every field that you can think of at least to the researching stage.
I am living under very unpleasant conditions with a mother that isn't very tolerant or understanding. Respond at best emotionally, apathetic normally and very passive-aggressively.
I am currently at least getting treatment for my PDD-NOS(a form of autism) with CBT but it's been very ineffective so far(I prefer not to switch professional).
As far as GD goes I am in the process(a slow and painful one) of transition(mtf).
Anyways I feel like I can't do anything against my panicky and heavy emotional response to having to pick up something new or tackling a larger idea. It causes me either to burn out or freeze to the point I am more or less weeping on the floor not being able to keep myself together.
Getting into something is mentally slower for me, so I get stressed if I can't work at the same speed. It has costed almost my life as far as suicide and school performance is concerned.
My only means of calming down is being on youtube, reddit or 4chan. It's also what I prefer to do on my time off school.
I just barely started being able to plan again and I don't know how long I'll keep it up.
I live in The Netherlands, just so that that is known.
Hope to have informed enough.
I am very tired. It's 2AM in the morning and need to be up by 6:30-7AM and have a headache so I'll leave it at that.
Update: I just wanna know whether I am the only one dealing with this dogmatic unproductivity.