OCD and severe anxieties and paranoia

I know that as we get older we just have to remember that we’ll always clash with some people.
When I look back in high school and even in college, I always feel like I’m bullied.

I am now severely anxious because of this.

I just feel hopeless that no matter what I do, I’ll never be able to get a job.

I just can’t find the hope to start a project or play in an open source project.

I’m self taught and left school because I can’t figure out if I’ll stay in school or just focus on my project.
And I don’t feel like paying for something wasteful as it is just a vocational not a 4yr degree and most jobs I’m trying to get required a 4 year degree.

There’s not a lot of job prospect where I live as well and no meet ups.

I need money to pay my bills and I’ve listed my service and in minutes my ad is buried.
I’m truly losing hope…

I have so much fears and this year hasn’t been a good year I read the college students for example as many of my peers have ended up with debts and I am as well in the same boat.
So I think I just left before I will be buried more in debt.

Tech is all I know don’t and can’t work in retail again,
I tried applying in retail this holiday and no bite.

I’ve tried to get mentors to help me get on tract but I can’t find them online as I’ve said no meet ups here

Hi Reel,

First, it is important to see a professional to help deal with the intense anxiety and fear that you are sharing and that is debilitating you and preventing you from moving forward. If you are not seeing a therapist or doctor I recommend getting connected with one right away. Here you can find one that takes your insurance or if you do not have it, that offers a sliding fee scale: https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/

Second, what area of tech are you interested in or have experience in? It will be helpful for others on this forum to know to help give guidance and make suggestions.

{Disclaimer: I am a professional psychologist. I volunteer for OSMI. I am not soliciting clients or offering treatment. My participation in this forum is to offer professional input to be considered with the range of responses and support offered by fellow developers.}

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I feel like no one cares anyway but here it is

Everything from android to iOS c++ c# Java net front end back end sql
The problem is all of these that taught me were so basic.
That’s why I know I require internship to learn more.

about going to the therapist
I don’t think they can help me with my problems because my biggest problem is feeling suicidal/depressed anxieties anger issues when I think of my bills not getting paid.

Anyway thanks for trying to help.

If you feel like your skills and knowledge in the areas you’ve listed is too basic, I would suggest either working on some open source projects to improve your skills, or working your way through textbooks or online courses to get better. By doing some open source projects, you’ll have something to show that might help you find a job later, and if you work through textbooks or courses, you’ll develop your knowledge and skills in a more structured that will probably help with interviews and such.

I know it can be easy to rule out some outside support but it sounds like you could use someone to vent and brainstorm about possible paths or changes. I know when finances are involved, it gets even more tangled emotionally + stress wise.

It’s rough that you’re so isolated for like-minded community. Do you think there would be others interested if you started a meet-up? That could be overwhelming for your anxiety though (I know it would be for me…)

Perhaps connecting online could be a good starting point to find a mentor or others interested in collaborating on open source or like-minded projects? I don’t have any specific suggestions for the areas you listed but maybe there is a sub-reddit or Twitter hashtag that could unite it all.