Sometimes I work long hours because I’m afraid if I go home, alone, with just my thoughts, I might do something to myself that I’d regret. At least my job is something I’m good at (most of the time). I have plenty of friends who like to hang out. I have a pretty great therapist too. On paper everything is great. Except that my brain just doesn’t stop. I read this book http://www.amazon.com/Stayed-Alive-When-Brain-Trying/dp/0060936215 and it was great and did help. But there’s days, sometimes weeks, where I still feel like I’m just barely hanging on. All the work I’ve done, sometimes it feels like it’s not enough somehow.
Today I’m absolutely devastated because someone at work told me to quit pouting. I’m pretty sure he was joking. I made a sarcastic comment on a pull request (code review) because I had suggested some change be made, in order to be consistent with other things we have in the code base. Not just consistent for the sake of consistency, it is something I think is good practice, personally. But everyone else reviewing the code said they don’t like that our team does the thing I was suggesting. OK fine, I’m definitely not always right, and that’s not what bothered me. What bothered me was that it seemed like 2 people were making decisions to change what we as a team do (or don’t do) based on agreeing with each other in pull request comments. They just refused to do what I suggested because “we don’t like doing this anymore” without really discussing it with anyone on the team, and likely without even communicating the idea to the rest of the team (as not everyone is added to every pull request). So I made a sarcastic comment about how cool it was that we were making team decisions in random pull requests now. From that, I was told to stop pouting.
For goodness sake, both of these guys express themselves in very sarcastic and terse ways when there’s something they don’t like that’s happening. But as soon as I do the same thing, I’m “pouting.” So maybe I could have handled it better. But instead, all I can focus on is how absolutely horrible I feel that I was apparently pouting. Maybe I was pouting. Maybe I crossed the line from sarcasm to passive aggressive. So, then, who wants to work with someone like that - like me? Who wants to live with someone like me? Or be friends with someone like me? It may devastate a few of my friends if I did kill myself, but for everyone else in the world, it’s really hard to imagine that they’re not better off if they no longer have to deal with my pouting, and oversensitivity, and such.
And really why on earth can’t’ I stop obsessing this much about a silly little comment someone made to me about pouting?
But I suppose this is really beyond what goes on a forum like this. Two people on this thread have suggested I talk to a professional. And I already am. And she’s great. But my defective brain, it’s strong. At any rate I guess I thought finding another place to comisserate might help. That’s all.