Hi guys and girls.
I’m the lazy and phlegmatic kind of depressed person. I’m fat, I smoke too much, I eat junk and I don’t exercise much, and the web keeps me supplied with distractions.
Developmentwise I often have phases of writers block. I know what I should do, I can archieve it, I even know how. But when I try to actually do the work its like I’m trying to get through a concrete wall. I simply can’t, sometimes for weeks at a time. I’m fairly dependent on a good team around me, something that I do not have at the moment. The team is too small and chaoticly managed to keep me motivated.
For me it was mostly the universities who got me there, ripping me of most of my motivation. After getting out and into dev jobs anyways, things went up quite a bit. I even had some therapy and prozac which worked well, but only for a while.
Depending on the job or personal situation I’m in - at some point I fall back into old habits. Although I have archieved some progress, like I have more non-computer hobbies, absolutely no more Gaming - I’m still nowhere near where I’d like to be. It is either work or some guilt cycle of dieting or quitting that keeps me down.
I have no major traumas, no bad childhood experiences - one might just diagnose me as lazy. If there wouldn’t be the issue of feeling unhappy even when there is no reason to be.
I’m also fairly open with my depression, I won’t advertise it, but it’s by no means a secret. Right now I’m in the upwards phase, where dieting, exercising and reducing the smokes is going well for 2 weeks. But knowing me, that won’t last forever. It’s so hard to feel positive, when the next self-destructive streak might be around the corner.
Thanks for reading