I am almost afraid to touch my computer right now, but I’m finding solace in this website. I am 15 years old and an aspiring programmer. It has become my life for better and for worse. I’m so frustrated with programming. I love coding, it’s a great feeling to create something out of nothing, but the more I do it the worse I feel. I am socially inept. I can’t communicate with anyone. I am the friend that no one likes, that no one invites, that no one talks to. I can barely talk to my family. It’s just me and my dad. I have a brother and sister but they are a few years older, and have their own lives.
One of the most uninspiring factors of programming for me is the money. Because I am a teenager, I can’t get a job. The only jobs I can get are on freelancing websites, which is working for less than minimum wage. I have no money, and the headset I am wearing is literally falling apart as I wear it. Even if I could get a job, I wouldn’t have the time for it, since I am in school for most days, starting again tomorrow.
I mentioned that I am the friend that nobody likes, I don’t know how to change this. When I speak it sounds convoluted and awkward. Maybe my sentences are too long? Maybe the words I use are wrong. It hurts to go to school and find that all of your friends have gone out together, and you weren’t invited. I do have friends, but it doesn’t feel like it. Because of this, I spend all of my free time programming and doing work around the house (maintaining fish tanks, doing laundry, etc.) You can see the wonderful social life that I have.
I am trying to make games, and hopefully make some money that way. I am creative and humorous, and my game ideas reflect that. But with such a boring life, I find it hard to believe that I could entertain another person, while I can’t entertain myself. I try to keep my games simple, but even so they never work.
Currently, which is probably why I am so upset with programming, is because I am stuck on AI. I am trying to learn the A* algorithm. I am getting stuck at the very last step (tracing back the best path.) I am using libGDX, a java framework. It is poorly documented, and there is no place I can ask for help when I don’t know what the problem is. I’m trying to figure out a game I could make without pathfinding but every game pretty well has it. Which is frustrating because it means every developer but me can figure it out.
So why am I writing this post? It’s because I hit a roadblock while programming. I have no money and can’t make any money, and all of my equipment is breaking, and I have no social life.
Why do I keep programming? Because I feel that it is the only way I can escape from this. Maybe I can make friends programming (no luck so far, and my city doesn’t have any meet ups.) Maybe I could make a successful game, I can make money from, and buy some better crap. It’s both the cause of my sadness, and the end of it.
If you managed to make it this far, thank you for reading.