Stuck, suicidal, unmotivated and more


#1

Hi, everyone,

I am new here. I feel like if I don’t ask this question to like-minded individuals soon, I might do something I would regret.

I was diagnosed with BD 2 when I was 11 or 12.

For the past 7 months, I have been extremely depressed and have had suicidal thoughts near daily. It’s gotten to the point where I sat on my bed one night and tide a noose just to put it back in my closet. I get to that point and then my rational brain starts functioning at a higher level for whatever reason. I guess it is human instinct to not want to die.

I have chosen to self-medicate with cannabis for the past 7 - 8 years. Prior to that, I took a form of depression pill/mood stabilizer. Not sure what it was called. I’ve been off meds for ~8 years and I am beginning to wonder if it’s doing me more harm than good.

My mental illness has indirectly affected my work for the past year and I have been doing a shit job at performing at my highest level. Normally I would be killing it at work and be progressing quicker, but I feel that the depression is getting the best of me. I feel stuck in a black hole for hours on end. So to get out of it I try smoking some wax which usually would help but I honestly feel like smoking as much as I have been is putting a damper on my memory, my clarity, and my happiness to an extent.

I am writing this to reach out for help.

I know weed isn’t going to kill me but maybe I need to ease back and hop on some meds that might help with the depression, BD, and anxiety.

(Note: I’m 26 years old, I am financially stable, don’t have many stressors in life, single, travel monthly, and have friends and family who love and care for me. I’m just stuck and need help.)

TIA,

  • Chris

#2

Hi Chris,

I’m glad you felt comfortable enough to post here. (Welcome :nerd_face:) I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that if you’re feeling suicidal, please reach out to a support line or your doctor.

It sounds like you’re definitely in need some added supports. I know many people for whom cannabis has helped but I also know many that it has had the opposite effect (even triggering depressive or manic spells).

Everyone is different but basically, if what you have been doing isn’t working for you - definitely consider trying another form of support, whether that be prescribed medication or talk therapy, etc.

Mood disorders can be tricky but there are strategies out there that will help you feel like yourself again.


#3

Did something change when this depressive episode start? External or internal? Is it possible for you to think in terms of what your life might need to look like for you to be not-depressed, or do you feel as though you have what you want but depression is keeping you from enjoying it?


#4

Hello, Liam,

Thank you for responding! Yes, a lot did change prior to the depressive episode. I haven’t seen my daughter is 7 months or more now, I also moved a few hundred miles from where I was previously.

I feel as if I have all the possessions, money, free time, etc. I get to enjoy them all as well but nothing ever seems to keep me from being so depressed and trapped inside my head.

As a test I stopped smoking cannabis 2 days ago, not entirely, but only smoked before sleep. I am going to see where this takes me in terms of mental thought process, etc. and I am going to try some natural remedies I have tried in the past. They never seemed to work but I was using cannabis pretty heavily.

I have been a little more productive the last 2 days but still very tired and groggy. (Will probably take me a week or two maybe even three to adjust to the considerably lower amount of THC in my body). Aside from this I am trying to eat healthier and not consume alcohol.

I feel a little better than I did last week but it’s a work in progress.

Wish me luck.

  • Chris