[this is not a looking for a job pitch, just me accidentally always hitting the wrong note] All I needed was help advocating for a fair employment… 5 years

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I have a simple problem, I will not (can not) brush over the details… so I need help to find employment without façades that are designed to look like detail, but are abused by those who see the opportunity in all the façade being just how stupid everyone else is… I won’t abuse it, I can’t, that’s my second problem.

I now live on bare minimum, to pay for medication and doctors, that keep me alive, painfully observant of the fact that everyone cares about one thing… it cannot be their fault, it has to be something else, but let’s do enough so we don’t carry the guilt around.

I am happy you don’t feel the guilt… because as I was saying, society (all of us) are the perpetuation of this façade… but until you thought about this for 5 years, please, spare me the arguments of reason and logic, your “no guilt life” is the façade.

There is a sickness in how we go about equal anything in our society… and this sickness is that I need to self-advocate (like everyone else does not matter)… and I can’t I don’t speak that dialect (which is selfish and not actually progressive btw), the one that others before have been able to and somehow be bought “in” and turned to celebrate how society is now the complete image… but wait… everyone else (not just people like you) we are “all” the image.

If I fit, then we all do, not just me, and if that is not on the table, then it is on you (not me) who expect me to take your handout and ditch the fool or be ditched as the fool… and if that is how you bargain away with your guilt… you are the fool.

I was once afraid to trust logic and reason, and live by accepting arguments that look like they were that from others because unlike myself, they were not “seeking treatment for a mental health condition” and that gave them a socially reasonable edge to argue, even when I can clearly see how this would and played out… I thought (or was made to think) I had no control. Turns out, people just mostly had very little bandwidth to indulge in a more logical and reasonable discussion, and so they always went for the jugular to make sure they win a good argument as far as social norms are concerned — sorry, I don’t have that subscription available for me, still stuck at (but not) following your logic, but clearly appreciate the social cue that you are too busy with things on your plate.

Now I just feel out of (logical and reasonable) moves (actually going somewhere), I humoured these opinions of so called logic and reason long enough, and they proved exactly enough towards assuaging the guilt of their authors and I am still stuck here by the way if you cared to revisit your so called successes… and because of that, all I can now trust is logic and reason, not your opinion… and from that I know I have no means for fair employment. I cannot afford the life style to get one — regardless of how much I invested to get this far into nowhere.

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I am finding no hope, the world wants to access what I have to offer just on terms I cannot function under, they want me to somehow magically learn superficial things, but don’t bother looking hard enough beyond that… Nothing can help… medication simply numbed me enough from recognizing this reality but left me home bound, and those around me are no longer able to be there for me, and that is as hopeless as it feels almost every morning.

How many of those views in the past 6 days considered to reply, but were left unsure how they can do so and be helpful — almost 36 years now and I don’t have the answer, I don’t know how to communicate on the same frequencies, but I know for sure that the default equation that leaves me with little to no replies leaves me without hope for any human connection.

Meanwhile, everyone around me is “busy this week” or “dealing with life-and-death”, aside from a routine call to my doctor, so no human connection.

If I cannot navigate to a seat in the world, after doing arguably x times the effort to pay my dues and get conventionally educated to earn at least one, all besides the point now, but still no human connection.

So where does depression really factor in here, am I supposed to say that a life of alienation and rejection to an atypical person does not leave them waking up crying in the morning, unless they are not on the right medication — but those are the so called conventions that are expected from… no human connection.

I am looking for a sign of hope — I have not the resources to stay over water… I wish equal access (to opportunities… to life) was actually accessible to someone like me… instead, people like myself seem to fade away in a life where they continue to look for a hope not found that one day they will break free from the shackles of no human connection.

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I hear you. Well, I read you words, it’d be another thing all together if I heard you ;-).

This sounds like a really hard situation that I can’t quite grasp at. And I can’t give you any advice better than a properly licensed therapist or other clinician because I’m not one and I don’t know you apart from this window into your experience. But I can share a part of my story:

For me, college was an incredibly hard time. I was removed from all my forced human interactions, torn away from all the friends and support systems I knew. I had really bad depression during this time. I wouldn’t leave my room unless I had to, I got food delivered to avoid going to the cafeterias. I played video games in a desperate search for All The Right Brain Chemical Rewards and only found some sort of community in those online places which really was no substitute for the lack of connections in real life. It was hard, but I was lucky.

I had my parents in place as a support system and they were amazing. I dropped out of school… twice… and I could come home. I got lucky working over one summer at a summer camp and making great friends there. I was forced to work outside, with people. These forcing functions helped me.

I still struggle having to always be the one to reach out to people to schedule something, not being invited places myself. I’ve found some solace in those organized meetup or other groups. Some group of people dedicated to meeting regularly and being together. I’ve had local support groups, online support groups (with real people over Skype/Zoom) where we talk about Real Life openly, honestly, and intentionally and work to be better together. And I’ve had superficial meetups where we talk about shared interests and maybe don’t go so deep. BUT in both these situations, it was a regular invitation that I didn’t have to organize, but I knew I could show up and be welcome there by default. I didn’t have to perform, I didn’t have to fit a mold, just show up and be. Now I made a career out of this sort of thing, connecting people, connecting with people and building welcoming spaces where we can work to be better together.

I don’t know you, personally, I don’t know where you are, but there’s hope. It’ll probably be hard work, but there’s hope.

If you want to talk privately where I might be able to help give more specific recommendations based on personal experience, please feel free to DM me and I’ll respond as soon as I can. I did not climb here on my own.

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Thanks @crayzeigh…

An aside… being part of the Node.js community, I’m trying to put together an initiative towards better odds for equal-access across official collaboration mediums. This effort stems from my own experience with one of the teams for over a year. Where I observed, as an atypical contributor, conventional friction — ie systematic biases in communication mediums and pace — which left me always at the tail edge of discussions and debates.

More details enclosed in the ▶︎ Explainer bit in the issue.

I am hoping to find other people who are interested in showing support, joining, contributing, or just participating in closed surveys specific to this initiative.

The specifics of the initiative are still being hashed out based on the gauge of interests by others in the community.

Any thoughts?

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Just a quick update regarding my unusual hopelessness (ie not depression in itself)…

I just connected it with unexpected variance in the Nicotine content of my vapes. I use both regular freebase (cloud maker) and nicotine salt (for immediate kick) and as it seems the bottle received previously is lacking the yellowish tint characteristic to nicotine salt.

Either it was missing or mislabelled. But the fact that for the first time in 5 years since quitting, I urged and actually ended up smoking, and the fact that this has significantly subsided since I refilled with new liquid that was in fact tinted as usual… it is a very convincing explanation pending a visit to the juice shop to verify.