What is wrong with me

So in a couple of days it will be a year since I got my computer science degree and I still don’t have a job. I don’t know what to do anymore, I just want to give up. I’ve applied to place when I can find them since entry level seems to be rare but I hear nothing back. Some days I don’t even feel like looking or I go a couple of weeks with out looking because finding nothing only starts my depression. It all seems pointless at this point. I spend everyday just sitting in this house not knowing what to do anymore. I feel like I’m a horrible programmer, that all the struggling, stressing, late nights crying cause of assignments and anxiety attacks cause of school have been for nothing. I have my family back home worrying about me and wanting me to go home but I can’t cause them I would know I failed them,that the one whose suppose to be the smart one of my siblings failed everyone.

I’ve even applied to regular jobs just so I can have some money and do something everyday while I’m looking so I’m not in this house everyday and I can’t even get one of those.

Had a break down a little over two weeks ago with the person I’m living with because I kept lying to my mom about not hearing from the regular job at target even though I had already gotten a rejection from them. It just hurt so much hearing the hope and then worry in her voice and also hearing from her how even my siblings were worrying about me.

The anxiety, depression and A.D.D are no help in all this. I worry if I can even do a programming job with these,it was hard to do it through college. Came out of it feeling like I still don’t know or understand everything I need to. I can barely remember some of the stuff I learned, how will that look to a job. I haven’t really programmed in a year cause I don’t know what to do, lost any motivation, don’t know many languages. What am I even doing.

I guess I’m writing this because I’m in a down mood after having a really high hopefully feeling the past two weeks only to feel it was too good to be true. Two weeks ago I found a job that was asking for entry level and offered training, which is what I’m looking for, its some kind of staffing company. Then last week I found a summer internship that fir prefect for me and that encourages qualified long-term unemployed individuals to apply so that gave me more hope. But I haven’t heard anything from either of them and the posting for the internship is gone. I feel like I set my hopes too high only to feel knocked down. I don’t think I’ll hear from them.

I know this feeling all too well, and I struggle with the same. We had some financial issues a while back, and I waited until the only other option was not being able to buy food before I broke down and asked my parents to borrow some money. They were horrified that I’d waited so long, and was in fact very supportive and not at all as disappointed as I was sure they’d actually be.

I’m sure some internet stranger won’t convince you, but I’m also sure there wouldn’t be anything bad in asking for some help if you need it, and they wouldn’t think that you “failed” in any way.

I have (diagnosed) anxiety, and (self-diagnosed) depression as well. I routinely struggle with my motivation, especially for personal projects. I’d suggest starting with something small when you feel up for it. Doing some code katas can be more than enough. It will help you get some training in languages, and maybe boost your confidence a bit.

Don’t try to do big projects all at once, as it can be a terrible drain on your confidence and motivation if you hit a roadbump. I know that all too well!

Hang in there, and you’ll find a job eventually. And sometimes they just take forever to respond. The posting for the internship might be gone, but that might just mean they’re looking at all the applications they’ve received so far, not that they’ve chosen anyone yet.

Hi Mikel,

I’m really sorry that you’re going through all of that. It sounds really tough, and I really understand why you would feel discouraged, depressed, defeated, etc. College is hard, and getting out can be even harder.

Know that you’re not alone; the job market is really hard right now. College graduates aren’t getting jobs the way they used to, and it can be a real struggle. There are lots of people going through the same struggles you are, and fighting the same feelings you are. I don’t know if that helps, but it helps me to know that I’m not unique in my hurt.

Hang in there. Keep trying. Keep improving your job hunt skills. And keep taking care of yourself. You’ll be okay. I promise.