I was diagnosed with depression a few years ago during my final year at university. Long story short, after months of trying to power through my emotions on my own and failing, not being able to even sleep at night because of the crying I broke down and admitted to myself and family that I was suicidal.
I had to suspend my studies for a year, started seeing a psychiatrist who prescribed me with Citalopram which I took for just over a year. I would say that the drug worked insofar that it reduced the suicidal thoughts, but I feel like it destroyed my brain’s ability to think, even after being off it for 3 years. I went back to school and graduated. Was foolish enough to think that I am OK enough to start a PhD programme but dropped out after a year and started working as a developer in a finance company.
The first year was OK, I felt like I was slowly getting to where I used to be. But after that it just feels like I am sliding back down. Work feels soul crushing, relationship wise I am growing detached, and it always feels like I am physically sick, but doctors can never find anything wrong. It seems like objectively I made so much progress in my life: Fixed my diet and get my exercise, started my career, settled in my relationships, but nothing gives satisfaction. The scary thing is that I don’t even feel like what I have is worth the effort to salvage, if somehow I could just undo my entire existence I would but there is no way for me to do that without hurting others.
Since my first episodes and the SSRI treatment my thinking has become much more laboured, much less creative, much less fun, but at the same time thinking and knowledge are my only real skills in life. I feel broken and crippled and just wish to be put out of my misery.
Trying to reach out to see if someone has been in a similar place as me, I need to find some evidence that it can get better.