Worthlessness and Avoidance of Commitments


I wrote this down today to try and unpick why I was feeling a particular way about a drawing class I was due to attend today. I feel it could just as easily apply to a programming course or task.

I am due to go to a drawing class today. I paid for and booked it a couple of months ago. I have to drive myself there. Diane is an adult from my childhood - she is the mother of one of my old friends who I no longer see. My mum has also recently fallen out with her. She is widely considered to be a nightmare and other people also avoid her. I have no raitional reason for thinking she will be there other than that she is an artist. I already know the instructor.

I have already called the venue to say I am not going.

thoughtstream follows…

What am I feeling right now? What is wrong?

I dont want to go to the drawing class. I feel drained. I am anxious about being in a room full of other people. And still fearful that Diane will be there. Why does Diane bother me so much? Its probably because of painful childhood memories - being blamed for things. The rush in the stomach of being found out as having done something wrong. Maybe it is not her I am scared of but what she represents. Even writing this is giving me butterflies. At times she has made excoriating remarks which trigger my feelings of worthlessness. She embodies the negative chatterbox in my head - you cant do it, you are useless it says. How can I escape this hold she has on me? Feel the fear and do it anyway? (i read a book recently - thats the title)

Would confronting her one day be an option? Should I write her a letter and not send it? Would that release some of the pain? I imagine myself launching a tirade at her at my mother’s funeral. That would feel good - or would I just end up feeling guilty? Should I hack her, read her schedule and run into her so that I can sort this out?

I am scared of putting marks on the paper and being judged for having no talent, not being a worthy participant in the class .I have been told I have some talent so why can’t I internalise this? Its working in charcoal too - way out of my comfort zone. I look at my efforts from the thursday class and am ashamed of them - they are crude and incomplete. I just cant work fast enough.

What could I do? Could I phone the venue and ask if Diane is on the course? That would be quite a weird thing to do. But would it make me go? I would still have the fear of making marks. Would it be ok to force myself to draw in the flat instead of going to the class?