Long story short, I have a history of depression as well as anxiety. I have also never freely enclosed this to any employer due to fear of stigma.
I left an agency with unhealthy work life balance after being with them 3.5 years, and ever since then, I can’t seem to stay somewhere longer than a year. The agency after let me go at around 10 months, after management pretty much assured me, and I quote, “You don’t have to keep worrying about job stability. You’re doing fantastic”.
Since Friday, now I’m facing another let go after a little over a year to what boils down to miscommunication/dishonesty from managers. I understand that it does not have anything to do with the quality of my work (I’m a front-end dev), but it’s really discouraging to know that no matter how much you try or how much you feel you’ve improved, things outside of your control can take you from successful to jobless in a moment’s notice. Things like politics.
The anxiety keeps replaying the conversation I had with higher ups on Friday, basically where I was blind sided and discovered that what I thought was one slip up in communication that was easily rectified, became a completely blown out of proportion incident where apparently there were other “issues” that came to their attention as well. Out of these issues, let’s say 3 of them, 2 out of 3 was nothing I did wrong. One manager just misinterpreted a question I had about hours for a task, which I luckily screenshot to hopefully “save” myself, and another manager gave me the impression that we were on track, but told the higher ups another story with my name being thrown under the bus. It gave me flashbacks of the agency before, where I was told how “fantastic” I was and then they just let me go.
It is so frustrating! How am I supposed to work anywhere if I have to feel like someone’s going to stab me in the back or screw me over or lie to my face? I haven’t been able to sleep peacefully ever since. I go to bed tossing and turning about all the could haves, should haves and the impending doom looming in my future as these higher ups “discuss this ‘serious’ incident with executives” and it’s the first thing that comes to mind when I open my eyes in the morning. It’s like some sort of parasite, slowly taking over my mind. All Friday, my body was hurting and shaking from the anxiety.
A part of me is trying to feel like, this is an opportunity - maybe I can find something better. Maybe it gets better from this point on and this is just a stepping stone. Maybe this is scary now, but something awesome is in my future.
Another part of me is tired. When I got out of college, I didn’t even intend to go into web development and just wanted to get into something so I could eventually find “the dream job” along the way. I’m tired of being mislead, lied to or used by management, I’m tired of feeling like “just a resource”.
I’m not even sure if I wanna still code, but I’ve spent the last few years building my skillset in that area, that I’m not sure it’s that simple to “just do something else”.
Just in general, feeling very lost, betrayed, and although I’m trying to stay positive, it’s becoming very difficult…
I do have a mental health counselor who I speak to this week. Another topic I have on my mind now is my finances. I’m definitely not in a good place to lose my job and I’d like to be able to afford my appointments with my counselor, especially since I’ll likely really need it.
Anyone ever take a break from coding and did some other job instead for a while? What kinds of jobs have people went into while they’ve figured out what to do in their careers and life? I feel like a quitter if I leave web development, and yet, as I said, it was never my intention to make it my “forever” job. Question is - how do I move forward and try to maintain sanity while doing so? Thanks for listening. Trying to take it one day at a time…